Emmalee

I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 13:33:40 PST

i am truely heart broken.
what was i expecting?.......

maybe one day i will write about who i truely am.

cause none of you know

or maybe u dont take the time to know.

or maybe u think you know..

and maybe ill write about how bad you hurt me.

and how bad i hate you

and how much i cant help but love you

'I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling'

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 15:57:08 PST

*oasis 'wonderwall'

okay i lied in the last entry. i do like the snow.

battle of the bands tomorrow. at the icehouse. im pretty excited.

okay, you all know i come stright to my journal when anything happens in life, cause im that much of a loser. so heres what i came to talk about.

.Matt Patrick.
as you all know, he's like my best friend. and well thats all he's ever been. prehaps its time to see if me and him could possibly be an 'item'....after all, i have been alone for so long i have thought about everything i want in a relationship and what i want in a guy. and of course, he fits 3/4's of it.

but....(and yes theres a 'but')

he just got out of a relationship. seems he's never really over another girl, until he finds another. one after another. and then theres always drama. drama hmmm what a word, its something i dont like in RELATIONSHIPS.

i know everything about him. every wrong thing hes done in relationships. he dated my best friend, so i know what kind of stuff went on and whatnot. i know there was a possibility of 'cheating' goin on with her and other girlfriends. i dont want that. no one does. but in 'relationships' there comes hurt, and pain. and i know nothing is ever going to be perfect, or MY WAY. thens theres the risk of loosing my best friend, and boyfriend. but im going to take a chance. a chance to see if Matt's the one ive been waiting/looking for. we will never know if we don't try.

but the word boyfriend i cringe at the sound of it. theres so much hurt that comes with it. and so much meaningless situations. Situations your not supposed to go through at the age of 15. you dedicate all your time and everything we have to that *one person, and then it leads to breakup, or heart break.
the word love and relationships is nothing but scary to me.....actually, its all scary to me. its all so new to me

<33 advice. please. someone. anyone.

'Your the champion of my bleeding heart'

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 09:48:14 PST

*bright eyes 'feb 15'

i got up this morning and got ready, then to my surprise we didnt have school. then it snowed one heck of alot of snow. and i was excited.

now i hate it.

i went and played in it for about 2 hours and had a pretty good time. but when i came home i found out i couldnt ride anymore, cause people are getting pulled over for riding on the roads. so now my mother wont let me ride on the roads anymore. sucks.

then she was soposed to pick up christine on her way home from work. insted she went and got her 'boyfriend' and came stright home. no christine. so now everything i say or do she thinks i have a 'attitdude'.

and her and her little 'boyfriend' is making me very angry, im on the verge of saying something very rude. he thinks he can walk up in the house i live in and act like he owns it. no dont think so. hes not my dad and never will be so i dont listen to crap he says. i dont like him much, and i do not want him here. but thats okay cause my mom can have whom ever over when ever she wants, but wont even pick up my friend which by the way is on the WAY home. so now im stuck here with them until the snow clears out. maybe ill find a letter opener and stab it through my thraot. -thank u smitty for that lovely idea.

im going to the doctor tuesday. its for the 'ADHD' im suspected of having. my moms just looking for an excuse for my behavior and grades. well i guess this is the perfect time to have an excuse on why i should go crazy and kill myself.

oh not to be taken seriously, of course.

hmmm.

It's the tearing sound of love-notes
Casting out the gray stained windows
And the view outside is sterile
But I'm only two cubes down
I'll photocopy all the things that we could be
If you took the time to notice me
But you can't now, I don't blame you
And it's not your fault that no one ever does
*bright eyes, feb 15*

'i brought you my bullets, you brought me'

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 10:46:15 PST

*my chemical romance 'Skylines and Turnstiles'

i finished drivers ed. and i cheated on the whole test, which i kinda feel bad about. oh well.

i have Shawn's watch. and i think theres an alarm on it. so at 6 this morning I woke up to a VERY Annoying beeping sound, and i was scared, i thought it was a bomb. seriously.

LL not gay brought me arby's yesterday, what a true friend. and tomorrow iget taco bell. hell yeah

jen dear ol jen. i talked to her for a bit today. i havent talked to her in a long ass time. shes turned into some drug freak kid or something, and of course i dont like it. but yes like i always say, "you have to start somewhere" and in saying that i mean, u try it, then try it again, and then sooner or later u get addicted. and that is what she is now. Addicted. and theres nothing that can change that.

Moving on.

i think we get report cards tomorrow. NOT looking forward to that. it will be the same ol thing....go to homeroom, get the RC, laugh and insult myself, walk out, tell everyone i failed, once again, friends will crack their anti-funny 'emily is soooo stupid jokes' and i will go home, and continue feel bad for myself for making such pitiful grades, and cry cause i will never go to college. and then do nothing next semester but sleep and barely make it through classes. because i am known as the stupid chik Emily. thats always how ill be known.

go figure

that is it, thats how its been the past 4 years. another year wont matter.

matt and kelly broke up. i feel awful for him. she ment alot to him. and now shes gone and matts sad and he thinks its all his falut, when its not. he just doesnt get it. and i dont think he ever will. girls would die to be with him, but he always choose the wrong girls. the more pretty, popular girls. not the ones who will stay with him for a while or treat him good. he just doesnt get it.

mucho love. <33

'you cant save my life'

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 10:30:12 PST

*thrice 'trust' <3

its firday night. im fucking at home. and this sucks so bad.

you have no idea how bad i wanted to go to the skapegoat/swift show tonight...but NOOOOO my madre doesnt want to drive to charlotte. thumbs DOWN for her.

so anyways im so happy i have 1st lunch now. i hated fourth(no offense with the people i sat with)

this nic kid came to visit or some shit, i duno. but man he was looking prettttty good, id have to say so myself.

smitty and i have a new word. fack. in place of fuck. but whats funnier then saying FOCK really loud for entertainment? so her word is fack, and mine will be FOCK.
im running out of things to say.

oh i hate kids who talk shit about me being 'emo', im so glad you know me so damn well. did i mention how lame it is to talk shit on my TAG BOARD? grow up the fock up. at least talk to ME online. here brightpinks0cks (aim screen name) say whatever u have to.

fockkkker.

bahaha, i love that word wayyy to much.

i need something to do this weekend. other then d.e but for now it will be to go watch TV and eat yogert-how ever the fock you spell it- all night, alone while theres a skapegoat show going on with out ME.

mucho love kiddies.

'Even when you think you're right,You have to give to take'

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 09:41:35 PST

*powerman 5000 'free'

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED TO THE _E.C.P.F_ (a.k.a SAVE THE WHALES) FUND TODAY

E-emily C-cell P-phone F-fund < for those of you who didn't know

i love each and every one of you.

in total i got $11.72...and now im still counting change i found throughout my house.

thanks guys.

and Happy Birthday to GARRETT ! woo hoo. watch out hes the big one five ummm hmmm

<33

'I am destroyed by the inside, I disassociate'

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 09:32:13 PST

*AFI 'This Time Imperfect'

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share for you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems... no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
You don't care that it haunts me

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you...

for my birthday Dave got me and him tickets to see Story of the year on march 2nd at greensburo. AND IM GOING. HELL YEAH

no snow. the weather men can kiss my ass.

'I'm not writing my goodbyes.'

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 14:03:31 PST

*skapegoat 'wonderful as we are'

so, im listening to 1065, and skapegoat is on. these guys rock. i wish i could go to their show on friday night.

anyways, i met this kid Shawn at drivers ed. hes so funny and hes absoulity aborable. hes my new best friend! haha. i love that kid

new shoes. hell yeah.

jesse says he saw me at the mall. he didnt even stop and say hey. saddness. i kinda miss him.

oh well.

i hope it snows. i really don't want to go to school tomarrow. god i pray it snows.

sorry my entry isnt exciting today. but im tired of complaing about shit that i cant do anything about.

*em

'u know I've got to be more than this'

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 12:57:19 PST

*Lostprophets 'the fake sound of progress'

got a 72 in math, reallly wasnt expecting anything higher then a 60. thumbs up for me.

i love the way Emma writes in her journal. i admire every bit of it. i wish i was more like her. she practically writes how i feel. its weird.

today was really cold. i stayed after school and watch jared, paul and ethan skate.

..i miss Ethan. well i miss everything but his immaturity and lack of common sense. but seeing him today made me think of how happy/good i felt when we were together. he always had something say/do to make me smile. i wish he was in high school. i wish things would have worked out with us a while back. i dont think ill have another chance with him. which makes me sad, like i gave up something that ment alot to me and now i realize ill never get it back. i messed up alot in that relationship. Didn�t notice it till now. god i wish i could take it back.

or maybe i miss knowing that i have someone. a special someone. someone that cares for me more then others. someone thats always there for me.

i miss the people i used to talk to. rob, wilkes, jesse, perdue and other people.

i miss going to the mall with bundles of people, and acting stoopid. like yelling at ugly people, tripping gothic kids, or telling the Cinn-a-bun works 'YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT'...i miss all that. i like being immature and making people laugh, lately i havent done either. ive been all 'mature' and not myself. i need to go have some fun.

and i miss the shows(git's) i used to go to every single weekend of my boring life. what happen to those? i miss running around saying random things to random people. and making a fool out of myself. that was always so much fun for me.

Enough of my complaining.

<33

'shallow means, deep ends'

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 13:28:29 PST

*Cursive 'Making Friends and Acquaintances'
*long day
*fucked up mood

i feel alone. i feel hated, by everyone. and i dont like it. so i take my anger out on random people. it makes me feel better to know that ive made someone mad, so i know im not the only person having problems.

i hate how people are rude to me all the damn time. like nothing i do is appercated

rob. I dont hate you, im just hurt to know your another one of the like 5 people who DONT talk to me no more. what did i do? how did i make you mad?..i didnt... so why am i not included in your life no more? is it cause u have new friends and u like this new girl? you have a new job, and ur lisense? is it because ive 'changed'? i want you as my best friend again. i want you to be the one i call with my problems. i want us to hang out like old times. i just want you back. thats all i have to say.

i really hate everything in this world. everyday theres something new.

im going to the doctor

*Em

I don't want to be seen as a pretty thing
'Cause it's the pretty things that we're always breaking...
^Cursive